I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
