Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
