...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize
