I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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