no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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