Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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