using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
