I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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