just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
