Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
