genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this just has baby written all over it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
