I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
