i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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