John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
