Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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