you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
