Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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