I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
this hospital has no fireball
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
