Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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