remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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