Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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