and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize