the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
