I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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