She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
