her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
