a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
