You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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