I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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