last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
