we have pet lesbian snakes
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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