I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
