i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
