you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
