You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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