1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
