Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize