the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
