i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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