Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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