the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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