It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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