Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
