I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
