I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
