I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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