I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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