R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
