Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
