I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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