her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
