Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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