Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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