tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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