He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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