Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
