I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
