I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
