i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
