the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
