Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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