I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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