remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
