My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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