i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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