Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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