I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
