After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
